My person thinks she knows what I want for Christmas, and due to my lack of thumbs with which to write, and my lack of voice with which to speak, she cannot possibly know what I TRULY wish to receive this holiday season. But you, fat man, you know all. I'm hoping you can read my list which I have scratched into the wall while my person was at work.
1. My person thinks I want treats for Christmas. While I do enjoy the decadent beggin' strip or pig ear, I can have those any time of year. What I really want to get my teeth on this year is the neighbors cat.
That fluffy monster mocks me from the fencepost every day while I'm supposed to be doing my business. Then I have to bark at it, and subsequently my person gets annoyed while she waits for me on the porch in her nightgown and slippers. Yes, I would truly be thankful if you'd give me on opportunity to chomp into that fluffy Persian princess. Just one bite. One Nibble.... OH dear, excuse me while I wipe my drool on my person's couch cushion.
2. This isnt so much what I do want, as much as what I DONT want. Please, Jolly fella, do not bring me clothing, of any sorts. I do not want a sweater, or booties, or a hat. I do not want reindeer antlers, a santa hat or elf shoes. I don't really give a damn how cute my person thinks these things are, I am a pit bull for goodness sakes! I cannot be seen wearing such blasphemous and childish things. Bring me a spiked collar, or a leash that spontaneously bursts into flames. I need to look tough, Santa! I have a reputation to uphold here! That filthy feline will never let me live it down if she sees me in clothing of such humiliation! Please, let's not have a repeat of last year!
3. I would thoroughly enjoy a pile of all the smelly things you can think of to roll in. Seriously, Clause, come to my house last. On your ventures here bring me all the smelly diapers, cat litter boxes, stinky chinese food boxes, dead fish, dead mice, dead...well, anything dead you come across I will more than happily roll in it! I cannot help myself, you see...the scents of these items just...just .....oh it makes me want to run in circles just THINKING about it! OH! and, bring me ALL of your reindeer poops. I have a feeling that this will be particularly enjoyable, as after I roll in it, I CAN EAT IT!!! It's two presents in one!!
4. Lastly, I would like you to talk my person into giving her blessing for me to get with the beagle down the street. I know we are different, we come from different sides of the tracks. We may not be in the same social club, but much like Romeo and Juliet, we were meant to be together. Every night at 9pm she lets out her mating call "BAROOOOOO BAROOOO" and I try so hard to get to her, but, alas both of our persons just tell us to "shut the hell up and get inside". If they could only understand what this forbidden love feels like to us! We've only spoken through the air waves, and I spotted a glimpse of her through the fence one day on a walk (please don't put me on the naughty list, the human's dislocated shoulder is almost healed now!) If they would just allow us to be together we would roll in all the stinky things, and chase the neighbors cat, you see you could just make my day if you could grant me this wish. Talk to our persons.....we must be together!
Oh, Santa, if you could grant me these four wishes...I'd be the happiest pitty boy to ever strut his stuff. I promise I wont chew up the couch, or drink out of the toilet (not more than once a week). I promise to try harder not to knock the little humans over in my frantic laps around the house when I get a case of the zoomies. I promise to always do my business outside, and I'll never ever do it in my person's shoes again.
Oh, and Santa, I don't want to push my luck....but one final request.... I would like all of my friends at ADBBR to be adopted and have loving families, so they too can enjoy the finer things in life. Really that's all I want. I'll even give up the other four items on my list if you could make this happen.
Love,
Ralph
Resident Pit Bull
1234 Dog Lane
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